Silly Facebook Statuses:

1. If I don’t want to participate in Mondays, I shouldn’t have to.
2. Every morning I look forward to coming home and sleeping.
3. There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
4. I’m not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is.
5. Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
6. Bitches be trippin. Well, I might have pushed that last one.
7. Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
8. Deleting one ‘ha’ from your ‘hahahahahaha’ because you think it’s too much.
9. Rule of math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.
10. Letting someone in your life is like turning off the antivirus, downloading a file from the internet, installing it & hope it’s not a virus.
11. Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
12. I want to spend the rest of my cell phone battery with you.
13. Prince Harry must feel all kinds of weird when he’s stuffing pictures of his grandmother in the strippers’ g-strings.
14. When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
15. I used to be passive aggressive but now I’m aggressively passive. Don’t mess with me, idiot. I’ll sit right here. I’ll fricken forgive you.
16. Friends don’t let friends twerk.
17. I’ve said things to mosquitos that I wouldn’t even say to my worst enemy.
18. Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
19. Turns out, when the officer asks why you’re not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T Rex arms is only hilarious to you.
20. I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.