Top 100 Funny Status Updates

Top 100 Funny Status Updates

1. Laugh at your problems,11 everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the11 things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, 11turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that 11moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly 11people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match 11for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important 11the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck,11 we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a 11sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was 11blaming you.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture 11in a dark room.
13. Why does someone believe you when you say11 there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
14. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is 11so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
15. Good girls are bad girls that never get 11caught.
16. Some people say “If you can’t beat them,11 join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join11 them, so you will have the element of surprise.
17. I’m never sure what to do with my eyes 11when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s11 the proper etiquette here?
18. No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative 11with weapons.
19. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You 11only need a parachute to skydive twice.
20. By the time a man realizes that his father was 11right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
21. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, 11than to speak and remove all doubt.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good 11for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down 11the stairs.
23. Did you know that dolphins are 11so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge 11of the pool and throw them fish?
24. I totally take back all those times I 11didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
25. A bank is a place that will lend you 11money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
26. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag11 you down to his level and beat you with experience.
27. If I agreed with you we’d both be 11wrong.
28. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people 11in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately 11choose not to be friends with?
29. The real reason women live longer than 11men because they don’t have to live with women.
30. Eat right, exercise,11 die anyway.
31. Knowledge is knowing 11a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
32. Children: You spend the first 2 years 11of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to 11sit down and shut-up.
33. Politicians and diapers have one thing in 11common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same 11reason.
34. Evening news is 11where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
35. To steal ideas from11 one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
36. We buy things we don’t11 need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
37. I may be fat, but you’re ugly 11– I can lose weight!
38. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid 11Ghetto” routing option.
39. A husband is someone who after taking 11the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
40. Always borrow money from a pessimist.11 He won’t expect it back.
41. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to11 hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
42. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot 11control.
43. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that 11I am right.
44. I intend to live forever. 11So far, so good.
45. When in doubt,11 mumble.
46. WARNING: 11The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.11
47. I like work. 11It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
48. I used to be 11indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
49. There is a great 11need for sarcasm font.
50. Every so often, I like 11to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
51. When tempted to fight 11fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
52. Worry is interest paid in 11advance for a debt you may never owe.
53. The advantage of exercising 11every day is that you die healthier.
54. Knowledge is power, and power 11corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
55. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic 11grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
56. Some people hear voices.. Some see11 invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.11
57. If winning isn’t 11everything why do they keep score?
58. After (M)onday 11and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
59. Change is inevitable, 11except from a vending machine.
60. Girls are like roads,11 more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
61. Why didn’t Noah swat 11those two mosquitoes?
62. The difference between11 in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
63. Money talks…but all mine 11ever says is good-bye.
64. Our generation doesn’t knock11 on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
65. They keep saying the right person 11will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
66. If the number 2 pencil is the most 11popular, why is it still number 2?
67. By the time you learn the rules of life, 11you’re too old to play the game.
68. We are all time travelers moving 11at the 11speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
69. Dogs have masters. Cats 11have staff.
70. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective 11covering for my rock hard abs.
71. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for 11themselves.
72. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m.11 today.
73. Google Maps really needs to start 11their directions on  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.11
74. Life’s like a bird,11 it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
75. Don’t steal11. That’s the 11government’s job.
76. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A 11tax is a fine for doing well.
77. Women should not have children11 after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
78. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” 11now with 20% fewer letters!
79. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor,11 every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong11 with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
80. There are no winners in life11…only survivors.
81. Some cause happiness 11wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
82. Without ME, it’s just 11AWESO.
83. The hardest thing to learn 11in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
84. I’m in shape. Round is a11 shape isn’t it?
85. The farther away the future is, the better 11it looks.
86. There are two kinds of people who don’t say11 much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
87. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one 11of my kids do you want?
88. We are all part of the ultimate statistic 11– ten out of ten die.
89. I am willing to make the mistakes if 11someone else is willing to learn from them.
90. If you do a job too well, you will get11 stuck with it.
91. How do you get holy water? Boil the11 hell out of it.
92. I’d like to help you out, which way 11did you come in?
93. To find out a girl’s faults, praise11 her to her girlfriends.
94. Asking dumb questions is easier11 than correcting dumb mistakes.
95. Complex problems have simple,11 easy to understand, wrong answers.
96. Seen it all, done it all, can’t 11remember most of it.
97. The winner of the rat race 11is still a rat.
98. If you think education is expensive, try11 ignorance.
99. All of us could take a lesson from the 11weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
100. Why do women always ask questions11 that have no right answers?