Funny Facebook Status Updates
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
"Username or Password incorrect." TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH
Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....
Does anyone have that light switch in their house that they really don't know what it goes to...
Easily the best thing about Facebook: The ability to read other people's fights.
I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash.
I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there in 5 minutes.
I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'
Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....
Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.
Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny.
Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.
I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.
I'll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones.
Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone.
It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.
When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk to hear my robot voice...
Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) Fuck it. I'll buy my own shit.
DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don't Get It... DAD: EXACTLY!
On the 12th day of Christmas, my Facebook gave too me, 12 stupid bitches, 11 fake people, 10 FB hackings, 9 new porn websites, 8 wack statuses, 7 hoes a slurping, 6 bums a posting, 5 ignorant bastards, 4 corny birds, 3 messages, 2 ugly friends, & a girl who smashed the wholeee team.
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee!
Okay mom...you know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.
Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Don't text me while I'm texting you, now I have to change my text.
FACEBOOK, SlutBook, meet just to FuckBook, tryin to be sneaky but then get caught UpBook, ShameBook, LameBook, using a fake NameBook, corny in the streets but on here you got GameBook, JokeBook, PokeBook, everybody's QuoteBook, in pictures you got money but in person you BrokeBook, SexBook, FlexBook, flirting with your ExBook, someone leaves a comment then you get a urgent TextBook, FightBook, TrifeBook, everybodys RightBook, someone needs to come out with a get a fucking LifeBook!
If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
If couples who are in love are called 'love birds', then couples who always argue should be called 'angry birds.'
Face your problems don't Facebook your problems.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'
'Are you as bored as I am?' Makes sense even when you read it backwards...
Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home. You're only doing it for attention and you'll be back in a day.
'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Net.
This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket....so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass.
When I get introduced to someone I ask them 'Team Edward or Team Jacob?' It helps me separate the freaks & douches from the normal ones.
Mom: Your great aunt just passed away. LOL Me: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny David! What do you mean? Me: Mom lol means laughing out loud! Mom: Oh my goodness! I sent that to everyone I thought it meant lots of love. I have to call everyone back oh God.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
Dear People of The World, I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.
Facebook event invites from people you barely know should really have a 'seriously?' option in the reply.
Call of Duty: MW3 comes out midnight tonight. I wonder how many relationships are going to end this week.
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
I dont mind ketchup on my hot dog, as long as the bun is tight.
My mother texted me 'What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?' I answered: 'I dont know, love u, talk to u later.' Mother: 'Ok, I'll ask your sister'
Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.
Parent: What did you learn today? Student: Apparently not enough! We have to go back tomorrow!
Rumors. Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.
Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.
Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.
A wise man once said... relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.
Does a prostitude file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.
If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.
Facebook is that insecure chick that keeps changing her hairstyle &/or color until she finally loses her mind and shaves it & scares everyone.
Are you free tomorrow? No, Im fucking expensive.
Facebook is like a relationship: Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox...
How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men...
The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...
A drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. He became heavy and tried to lay an egg! He pushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're shitting on the bed!"
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to "Go straight". haha
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.
I feel like getting some work done, so I'm going to sit here until the feeling passes.
A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells, "TITTIES"!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the f*ck are you?
That awkward moment when someone comments on a really old picture and you realize they were probably stalking your page.
"All you do is sit on Facebook all day" Lies. I sit on the chair.
My wife said she wanted something that went from 0 to 400 in 2 seconds....I got her a bathroom scale.
I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'
Life is not a garden, don't be a hoe.
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once.
Gay people: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so it appears like you actually left the house. -Sent from my iPhone
When going to work has become a nice break from Facebook, it's safe to say you're a Facebook junkie.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand - it's fun while you're doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
I don't make typos. I make new words.
If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.
Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.
I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you". Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?". Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive... so I took her to the Gas Station.
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.
I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next.
Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half!
A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says Look, a dead bird. Blonde looks up in the sky, WHERE, WHERE?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.
Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.
Face down, ass up, that's the way we............ tie our shoes!
Unless your name is GOOGLE...stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING...
Started writing poetry the other day. POETR, it's coming along nicely.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.
I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Dear Internet Users, Someday u will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.
Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of naughty girls.
Please tell your pants it's rude to point.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.
I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
A man yells at his wife "pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery." "Oh wonderful!" she says, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out!"
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110"
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.
If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
Facebook...... Half Social Network..... Half Shoe Store! Didnt Know I Was At The Mall.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
Why is there a show called When animals attack? It should be called When stupid people go near dangerous animals.
Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.
My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.
I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.
When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?
Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.
No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
Vodka-$19.99. Motel-$54.99. Condoms-$2.99. Finding Out She Swallows... PRICELESS!!!!! Fuck Visa, It Pays To Discover!!!!!
I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.
"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)
If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-bitch."
God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.
You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
"Username or Password incorrect." TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH
Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....
Does anyone have that light switch in their house that they really don't know what it goes to...
Easily the best thing about Facebook: The ability to read other people's fights.
I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash.
I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there in 5 minutes.
I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'
Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....
Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.
Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny.
Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing.
I always write 'Wake Up' on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.
I'll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones.
Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone.
It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.
When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk to hear my robot voice...
Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) Fuck it. I'll buy my own shit.
DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don't Get It... DAD: EXACTLY!
On the 12th day of Christmas, my Facebook gave too me, 12 stupid bitches, 11 fake people, 10 FB hackings, 9 new porn websites, 8 wack statuses, 7 hoes a slurping, 6 bums a posting, 5 ignorant bastards, 4 corny birds, 3 messages, 2 ugly friends, & a girl who smashed the wholeee team.
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee!
Okay mom...you know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.
Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Don't text me while I'm texting you, now I have to change my text.
FACEBOOK, SlutBook, meet just to FuckBook, tryin to be sneaky but then get caught UpBook, ShameBook, LameBook, using a fake NameBook, corny in the streets but on here you got GameBook, JokeBook, PokeBook, everybody's QuoteBook, in pictures you got money but in person you BrokeBook, SexBook, FlexBook, flirting with your ExBook, someone leaves a comment then you get a urgent TextBook, FightBook, TrifeBook, everybodys RightBook, someone needs to come out with a get a fucking LifeBook!
If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
If couples who are in love are called 'love birds', then couples who always argue should be called 'angry birds.'
Face your problems don't Facebook your problems.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'
'Are you as bored as I am?' Makes sense even when you read it backwards...
Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home. You're only doing it for attention and you'll be back in a day.
'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Net.
This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket....so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass.
When I get introduced to someone I ask them 'Team Edward or Team Jacob?' It helps me separate the freaks & douches from the normal ones.
Mom: Your great aunt just passed away. LOL Me: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny David! What do you mean? Me: Mom lol means laughing out loud! Mom: Oh my goodness! I sent that to everyone I thought it meant lots of love. I have to call everyone back oh God.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
Dear People of The World, I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.
Facebook event invites from people you barely know should really have a 'seriously?' option in the reply.
Call of Duty: MW3 comes out midnight tonight. I wonder how many relationships are going to end this week.
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
I dont mind ketchup on my hot dog, as long as the bun is tight.
My mother texted me 'What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?' I answered: 'I dont know, love u, talk to u later.' Mother: 'Ok, I'll ask your sister'
Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.
Parent: What did you learn today? Student: Apparently not enough! We have to go back tomorrow!
Rumors. Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.
Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.
Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.
A wise man once said... relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.
Does a prostitude file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.
If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.
Facebook is that insecure chick that keeps changing her hairstyle &/or color until she finally loses her mind and shaves it & scares everyone.
Are you free tomorrow? No, Im fucking expensive.
Facebook is like a relationship: Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox...
How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men...
The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...
A drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. He became heavy and tried to lay an egg! He pushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're shitting on the bed!"
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to "Go straight". haha
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.
I feel like getting some work done, so I'm going to sit here until the feeling passes.
A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells, "TITTIES"!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the f*ck are you?
That awkward moment when someone comments on a really old picture and you realize they were probably stalking your page.
"All you do is sit on Facebook all day" Lies. I sit on the chair.
My wife said she wanted something that went from 0 to 400 in 2 seconds....I got her a bathroom scale.
I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'
Life is not a garden, don't be a hoe.
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once.
Gay people: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so it appears like you actually left the house. -Sent from my iPhone
When going to work has become a nice break from Facebook, it's safe to say you're a Facebook junkie.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand - it's fun while you're doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
I don't make typos. I make new words.
If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.
Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.
I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you". Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?". Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive... so I took her to the Gas Station.
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.
I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next.
Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half!
A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says Look, a dead bird. Blonde looks up in the sky, WHERE, WHERE?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.
Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.
Face down, ass up, that's the way we............ tie our shoes!
Unless your name is GOOGLE...stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING...
Started writing poetry the other day. POETR, it's coming along nicely.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.
I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Dear Internet Users, Someday u will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.
Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of naughty girls.
Please tell your pants it's rude to point.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.
I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
A man yells at his wife "pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery." "Oh wonderful!" she says, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out!"
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110"
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.
If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
Facebook...... Half Social Network..... Half Shoe Store! Didnt Know I Was At The Mall.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
Why is there a show called When animals attack? It should be called When stupid people go near dangerous animals.
Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.
My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.
I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.
When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?
Wanna come over to MySpace and Twitter my Yahoo till I Google all over your Facebook?
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.
No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
Vodka-$19.99. Motel-$54.99. Condoms-$2.99. Finding Out She Swallows... PRICELESS!!!!! Fuck Visa, It Pays To Discover!!!!!
I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.
"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)
If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-bitch."
God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.
You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke
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