20 Funny Mid Week Status Updates

1. Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?
2. Few things are as consistently weird as the guy/girl handshake.
3. I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
4. Who else hates the sound of their own voice on video?
5. Before Google, there was memory.
6. You’re not  handicapped, you’re fat. You should have a parking spot 6 miles away and be required to jumping jack to the store.
7. McDonald’s in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.
8. Need food this week but, I can’t afford it because of printer ink :(
9. Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
10. At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
11. Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
12. I just think there are a lot more animals out there we could be eating.
13. The people who call my landline: 1. Telemarketers. 2. My mom. 3. Your mom.
14. The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
15. The truth is, when I start a statement with “the truth is” I’m usually lying my ass off.
16. The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
17. What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
18. “That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
19. And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
20. This status has been downloaded to your system and is now scanning your hard drive for copyrighted material. Stand by. SCANNING – ███░ 23%